Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The narcissistic personality disorder is, in layman's terms, that person that is convinced the world revolves around them, and if they do not get their way, watch out.

The common belief of the cause of such a disorder falls generally on the parents being too coddling and giving from birth, and always giving excessive admiration without ever being tempered by realistic feedback. This disorder results in a "spoiled child" to the nth degree.

In an opposing theory, it is also believed that it can be caused in some cases by neglectful or abusive parents, causing the child to resort to this mindset at the earliest possible opportunity as a way of mentally dealing with the abuses of their past/present.

The Hidden Inferiority Complex

It is believed that underneath the narcissist's conscious awareness, these people have a severe inferiority complex, though they will never admit it, and are sometimes not even aware of it. The way a narcissist handles their inferiority complex is to take the extreme opposite position to protect themselves from the rejection or isolation they fear would be a result of people recognizing their flaws.

The easiest way to get even with a narcissist, as we very inadvertently found out, is to take a dig (even a very minor one) at the flaw(s) you see in a very non-angry, non-confrontational, matter-of-fact way and walk away. It will eat and eat at them forever, because they feel they have been exposed for the fraud that they consider themselves in the deepest recesses of their psyche. Such a comment can, in some cases, drive a narcissist so crazy that they wind up doing something even crazier in an effort to save face.

Common Characteristics

Diagnosing narcissism is tricky, but does have some common characteristics:

• Extreme view of self-importance
• Obsessed with success, power, money and all the grandeur it brings
• Sense of entitlement to the biggest and best of everything without needing to work for it
• Expect a constant stream of admiration
• Never do things for the good of the endeavor—always with expectation of praise or similar self-indulgent need
• Lack much level of empathy for anyone
• Feel it's their right to take advantage of, maliciously lie about, or walk on anyone if it furthers their goals
• Feel that everybody is jealous of them, when in reality they are often the jealous party
• Have extreme reactions to even the most mild correction, disagreement or constructive criticism

Impact on Relationships and Work

Their opposing inner forces, whether conscious or not, lead to very dysfunctional parenting, social interaction and work situations. The willingness to exploit others, sense of personal entitlement, lack of empathy, complete disregard for others' feelings, ideas or goals, and constant need for attention, praise and admiration adversely affects interpersonal relationships of all kinds.

Because of these traits, the narcissist rarely achieves any sort of the personal or professional success they so desperately crave due to their inability to deal with even minor setbacks or criticisms, or be able to work cooperatively with others for any real length of time.

The narcissist walks into every situation to take control over it and start pushing people around. It is basically impossible to deal with a severely narcissistic person that does not recognize themselves as such. The world owes them, they owe nothing, they have no concern for the welfare of others to achieve what they feel they deserve, and have no problem doing what they need to get what they want regardless of who gets hurt in the process.

Dealing with Narcissists in Courtroom Situations

How can you deal with a narcissistic person, especially in a courtroom situation when they are so confident and convincing since they actually do believe what they are saying and how they feel?

Narcissistic personalities have an unbelievable ability to distort reality and twist alternative scenarios into a believable story that fits most of the important facts of any given situation. The ability is actually quite impressive in a very disturbing way. But in truth, it isn't really difficult to trip them up sometimes if you know what you are doing.

Breaking Through the Facade

When under pressure and forced to disprove or "break" a narcissist, the only thing that is required is to break their ego. As previously explained, the narcissist has an incredible feeling of self-entitlement and an ego that is massive but typically very fragile because more often than not, deep down inside there is a serious lack of self-esteem and self-doubt that they are afraid of being exposed as the fraud they feel like they are.

Therefore, the surest way to break them is to call any statement of fact that belittles any accomplishments they brag about, or any talent or skill on which they base their pride or ego. Any statement that proves them subordinate, weak, unintelligent, or even simply indicating that they are just an average person will often break their confidence, and if pressed even a little bit beyond that can often bring them to a fit of rage.

Very often during such rages the narcissist will end up saying things and exposing things that there was no intention to expose. All of this will simply be done as a way to try and re-establish the entitlement that they feel due to them, but typically it will only undermine them further after all is said and done.

Treatment Challenges

It is the opinion of many clinical psychologists that someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder really can't be treated successfully. However, since the disorder has only been defined around 20 years ago, nobody can really claim in-depth knowledge of it, and there is only limited historical data on the subject.

The bottom line is that little is known about this personality disorder other than that sufferers of it are typically disliked by those that know them for being overbearing, demanding, aggressive and having little to no regard for the feelings or space of others.

As true with most any mental disorder, in order to really do anything other than prescribe drugs, the sufferer has to recognize the problem themselves. If they lack that, then any sort of interactive therapy or counseling is futile as they typically wind up confrontational and argumentative with their counselors, being absolutely sure they know more than the counselor.

Dealing With A Narcissist

This is a tough proposition. Chances are you don't have the knowledge that the narcissist actually has mental issues until after you have got to know them. By the time you realize something's not right, you are already attached, so as soon as you try to get distance, you have become a target.

In Casual Encounters

If you know a narcissist that you do need to have casual or infrequent contact with for any reason, keep your contact to a minimum. Try not to end up partnered with them in tasks. When contact is required, the best course of action is to simply be friendly and keep it professional, never personal. Be fun and witty, and get away as soon as possible.

With Children Involved

Never let your children play at their home, and be very wary of their kids playing at yours. The problem here is multi-faceted, as narcissists are frequently irresponsible parents and supervisors. Due to the feelings of self-importance and perfection, no matter what happens when the kids play, any arguments, scraped knees or innocent kids' stuff will always be your kid's fault, and the narcissist can be quite aggressive in saying so, even to a child.

If you have their kids in your yard, always keep them playing in plain view of the neighbors (any neighbor that happens to be outside), presumably the front yard, because you simply never know what weird ways stories get twisted in the narcissist's mind and what strange things pop out of nowhere as having been a huge problem.

Ending a Relationship with a Narcissist

Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be easy in principle, though not necessarily quick. The easiest method is simply to quit feeding the ego. Stop the praising and such that feeds their personality. Simply ignoring some small accomplishment and leveling some tiny little criticisms when appropriate (that most would consider simply part of life) will spell out the end of the relationship soon enough.

What should guide your actions is how long you want it to take and how soft you want the departure to be. The faster you try to do it, the uglier the results will be, typically. If you start by being downright mean in an effort to just drive the person away, be prepared for some very mean response.

Complete Separation

Narcissists often become the "stalking" type, so be careful. The best way to break free is to have a new job in a new town and get out of town in one swoop. De-listing your phone number is usually a good move. The farther you can get away the better.

If you don't have such a situation, be in an apartment with a security front door or with roommates or others. Have caller ID, never answer phone calls you know are from them, never respond to email—just ignore them. For a period of time it may be tough, but it's really the only way.