What Is a Personality Disorder?

Everyone has a personality—thoughts, behaviors, and feelings that combine to make a person who they are and dictate how they interact with the world. Some people are confident, some are shy, some are serious, and others are cheerful. These are normal variations in personality.

A personality disorder is different. It's a mental health condition where someone has enduring patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that significantly deviate from cultural expectations and cause problems in their relationships and daily functioning. For much of the time, individuals with personality disorders can function within social norms, but under certain conditions they lose the ability to reason and become overwhelmed by their dysfunctional emotional state.

When triggered, an individual with a personality disorder can become manic, and you may find yourself on the receiving end of a verbal or physical assault.

Common Personality Disorders in Neighbour Disputes

Three personality disorders are particularly relevant to understanding difficult neighbour behavior. These are part of what mental health professionals call "Cluster B" personality disorders, characterized by dramatic, emotional, or erratic behavior.

1. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

In simple terms, this is the person convinced the world revolves around them, and if they don't get their way, watch out.

Common characteristics:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement
• Need for excessive admiration and attention
• Lack of empathy for others
• Belief that they're special and deserve special treatment
• Extreme reactions to even mild criticism or disagreement
• Ability to twist reality and create convincing alternative narratives
• View the world as owing them something
• No problem doing whatever it takes to get what they want, regardless of who gets hurt

In neighbour disputes, this might look like:

• Believing their needs always take priority (e.g., "I can make noise whenever I want")
• Refusing to acknowledge they're causing problems
• Blaming you for everything, even things they caused
• Creating elaborate stories where they're the victim
• Expecting special treatment from authorities
• Extreme overreaction to being told "no" or challenged
• Charming and convincing when talking to third parties like police or council

Why it's difficult: Narcissists genuinely believe their version of reality. They're not consciously lying—they've distorted the facts to fit their worldview. This makes them extremely convincing to outsiders. Ignoring them or trying to stay away often makes things worse because this challenges their need to control the narrative.

2. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

This is a pattern of disregard for the rights of others, characterized by deceit, manipulation, and lack of remorse.

Common characteristics:

• Repeated violations of the rights of others
• Deceitfulness, lying, and manipulation for personal gain
• Impulsivity and failure to plan ahead
• Irritability and aggressiveness
• Reckless disregard for safety of self or others
• Consistent irresponsibility
• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Superficial charm when it serves their purpose

In neighbour disputes, this might look like:

• Deliberate, calculated harassment or intimidation
• Lying to authorities without any apparent guilt
• Property damage or theft
• Threats and aggressive behavior
• Breaking agreements or court orders without concern
• Exploiting others for material or personal gain
• No genuine remorse when caught or confronted

Why it's difficult: People with ASPD understand social rules but choose not to follow them. They may be charming and manipulative when needed but have no genuine concern for how their actions affect others. Traditional conflict resolution assumes both parties want a fair outcome—but someone with ASPD only cares about winning.

3. Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Sometimes called "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder," this is characterized by the inability to properly control emotions and emotional responses.

Common characteristics:

• Extreme black-and-white thinking (no middle ground)
• Unstable relationships with others
• Inconsistent self-image
• Radical mood swings
• Intense fear of abandonment or rejection
• Impulsive and self-damaging behaviors
• Inappropriately intense anger
• Chronic feelings of emptiness

In neighbour disputes, this might look like:

• Extreme overreaction to minor issues
• Going from friendly to hostile very quickly
• Taking any disagreement as total rejection
• Dramatic mood swings affecting behavior
• Intense emotional outbursts disproportionate to the situation
• Unpredictable behavior that makes them difficult to deal with

Why it's difficult: Their emotional instability makes them unpredictable. What's okay today might trigger an extreme reaction tomorrow. They may genuinely want good relationships but their emotional dysregulation sabotages them.

Overlapping Traits

Personality disorders often don't occur in isolation. Someone might exhibit traits of multiple disorders, or have one primary disorder with features of another. All personality disorders share some common elements:

• Limited insight into their own behavior
• Difficulty with empathy
• Problems maintaining healthy relationships
• Resistance to accepting responsibility for problems
• Tendency to blame others

Why Understanding This Helps

Knowing about personality disorders doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does help you:

1. Adjust Your Expectations

If your neighbour has characteristics of a personality disorder, expecting them to suddenly become reasonable is unrealistic. They're not going to have an epiphany and change. Understanding this helps you stop waiting for them to "see reason" and instead focus on practical solutions.

2. Take It Less Personally

Their behavior reflects their disorder, not your worth or actions. You didn't cause this, and you can't fix them. This isn't about you—it's about their inability to regulate emotions or respect boundaries.

3. Choose Effective Strategies

Strategies that work with reasonable people often fail with personality-disordered individuals:

• Don't try to reason with them during conflicts—they're not capable of rational discussion when triggered
• Don't expect empathy—they can't or won't see your perspective
• Don't give them emotional reactions—this often fuels their behavior
• Do document everything—objective records matter more than verbal agreements
• Do maintain firm boundaries—consistency is crucial
• Do use formal channels—mediation, legal processes, authorities

4. Protect Your Mental Health

Understanding that you're dealing with disordered thinking helps you not internalize their accusations or get drawn into their reality distortions. You can maintain your sanity by recognizing the behavior pattern for what it is.

The Limits of Understanding

It's important to recognize what understanding personality disorders cannot do:

• It doesn't excuse their behavior
• It doesn't mean you should tolerate abuse
• It doesn't make you responsible for managing their disorder
• It doesn't mean they can't be held accountable
• It doesn't mean you shouldn't protect yourself legally

Having a personality disorder doesn't exempt someone from following laws, respecting boundaries, or facing consequences for harmful behavior.

Can They Change?

Personality disorders are chronic conditions, but improvement is possible with professional treatment. However:

• Most people with personality disorders don't seek treatment
• They often don't believe anything is wrong with them
• Treatment requires willingness to change, which is rare
• Even with treatment, change is gradual and difficult
• You cannot force someone to get treatment or change

Don't base your strategy on hope that they'll change. Focus on what you can control: your own responses, documentation, and use of appropriate legal channels.

Dealing With Personality-Disordered Neighbours

General Principles

• Stay calm and detached: Don't give them emotional reactions
• Set clear boundaries: Be consistent and firm
• Document everything: Keep meticulous records
• Communicate in writing: Keep all exchanges documented
• Don't engage in arguments: They can't be won
• Use formal processes: Don't rely on informal agreements
• Protect yourself legally: Don't hesitate to involve authorities when necessary

Remember "Hold Fast the Opposite"

Whatever they do, they're probably trying to get a reaction. If you don't react, they get no satisfaction. The typical difficult neighbour with personality disorder traits is a reactive creature—they don't understand the methodical, reasoned approach. Your calm, documented, consistent response drives them crazy while protecting your position.

Further Reading: Archived Content

The following pages contain detailed information originally from the now-defunct US website thebitchnextdoor.com. While written from an American perspective and in a more informal style, they contain valuable insights about dealing with personality-disordered individuals.

Note: This archived content is presented for historical and educational purposes. Some perspectives or advice may differ from current mental health best practices.